I Don't Deserve You
by rs906
Summary: How many times would he have to say goodbye to this woman? And how long before it stopped hurting?
1. Chapter 1

**New Story! Yay! This just popped into my head when watching a very good Black Cat amv on youtube. In case you want to watch it, its called BC- Train just want Saya to know. Made by sweetangie1227. Its VERY very good. **

**I have never tried writing for Black Cat so sorry for any OOCness. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Everyone is doing one so I felt like I should too. I do not own Black Cat. If I did Saya would have NEVER died. And if the person who does own Black cat wants to give me Train as my Christmas gift I will LOVE you FOREVER!**

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"If you move I'll shoot you."

Train looked down at his target with a sneer. He never made threats he couldn't keep. He felt very tempted to shot him and be done with it. The sneaky bastard had evaded him for over a month.

But in the end Train was the better opponent. He always was.

Taking him by surprise in the old warehouse he had been staying at, Train had pounced on him like the cat he got his nickname after. A quick struggle and he had him down on the ground with both his hands and feet tied. Still he had his gun out in case the guy had the bad sense to try to escape. Seeing the fear in his eyes Train lowered his gun.

"We are going to go walking nicely into town so I can collect your bounty. And if you try to escape in any way I will shoot you. I hope for your sake you don't doubt it."

He wouldn't shoot to kill but his target didn't know that. He almost prayed that he would listen. It would be so much easier to walk into town than have to carry him.

"You shouldn't say things like that Train. You shouldn't kill people either. Haven't we had this talk before?

That voice.

Even after hearing it so many times he couldn't stop the shock from crossing his face. He couldn't stop his lips from forming her name or his voice from saying it. It was something he had to come to think of as impossible.

"Saya"

He turned to see her standing atop of one of the many huge bars that helped support the structure of the building. She was in the same kimono she always was, smiling like she always did. A smile he still didn't think he deserved. This wasn't the first time she had come to him nor did he think it was the last. He knew he must be crazy to be still seeing his friend a year after her death. He accepted it. Crazy or not he lived for her "visits".

Every cell in his body was yelling for him to go to her. To run and grab a hold of her before she disappeared. This feeling wasn't new either. He had listened to his instincts the first couple times until he realized that by going to her he was making her go away. If he stayed where he was, and didn't try to touch her, she would stay with him awhile. Then she would slowly disappear, making him even more aware of the hole in his heart. The hole, he was sure, only Saya could fill.

His heart soared at seeing her but his mind knew this wasn't the time to be crazy. He wasn't alone. He turned back to his prisoner relieved to see, not only had he not moved an inch, he didn't notice that his captor was a quack. Then again aren't crazy people with guns scarier? He didn't give it much thought before hauling the guy up. It was best to take him in now before there was a chance for him to escape. He could live a year off this guy's bounty. Saya would have to wait.

It wouldn't be long for he knew she would be there, waiting for him, in his dreams.

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**I got my new car yesterday! Its so shiny and pretty! I love it! SO today I take it out driving. Can you guess what happens? I'm sure you can. I crash it. YAY me!!! **

**I always did wonder if my life would flash before my eyes. It didn't. It was in slow motion though. But I wasn't worried about my life. The whole time I was worrying about how much it was going to cost me to fix my brand new 20,000 dollar car. **


	2. Chapter 2

**New Chapter! Wow that was quick. I even surprised myself. I wrote this in less than a hour, but I like it a lot! Usually I have to edit something for weeks before I approve of it. This time I just sat down and my pencil went flying.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Black Cat. If I did a magical wand would appear in the anime that would bring Saya back to life. No? Told you I didn't own it. **

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"Saya."

She stood on their rooftop, her ever present smile in place, and her hand stretched out towards him. Although he reached for her hand, it was her smile that beckoned for him.

That smile.

It was almost like magic. Defiantly a miracle that someone like him was able to see it. The only miracle he would ever get. Her hand felt warm in his. He glanced down at their joined hands and felt a rightness there. This was the way it should be. This was _where _he should be. Forever with Saya.

But tomorrow would come and take him away.

He promised both himself and Saya that he wouldn't think about tomorrow. In this dream world there was only now. Only him and her.

He loved the dreams the most because the rules didn't apply here. Saya was _real _here. He could touch her and she wouldn't have to disappear. From the moment the dream started till he reluctantly woke up in the morning, her hand was held tightly in his. He wouldn't let go until he had too.

The fireworks lightened everything around them, if only for a few seconds. Then another shot up into the sky, almost blinding him in their brightness. He didn't watch the fireworks. At least not directly. He would much rather watch her. To see the way her eyes widen, reflecting the fireworks in them. To see the way her smile stretched until she was grinning from ear to ear.

He decided he loved her best this way. Beyond happy. Just like a child. Another flash of light and the fireworks died away. She turned to him and the child like happiness was gone. It was replaced with a sadness he didn't want to see.

"Train, you're not happy this way."

How could she say that? How could she not know that he was happiest with her?

"You don't know what you're talking about. I am happy!" Even though he reassured her, her sadness didn't go away.

"I _know_ you could be happier. You have to find me Train." Her words were starting to confuse him. What did she mean, find her?

"I have found you." He held up their joined hands as proof that they were here. Together.

Her gaze traveled down to their hands and the sadness in her eyes seemed to grow.

"If you found me you could hold my hand for real." _For real?_ What did that mean? He had been just about to ask her when she interrupted him.

"It's time to go, Train." Not yet. Please not yet. Like always her hand seemed to slip out of his without him ever letting go.

"Goodbye Train." He hated it when she said that. Not only did he know he had to leave her, but he never knew if she meant forever. He prayed their goodbyes would never be forever.

"Goodbye Saya." If the hole in his heart could grow any bigger it did whenever he watched her slowly disappear. He hated feeling so helpless. The only thing he hated more was knowing it was his own fault. If he been there, if he had saved her, he would have never had to let her go.

He slowly opened his eyes to find himself in the same room and the same bed he had gone to sleep in. Over a thousand miles away from his favorite rooftop. It was always just a dream. Even after accepting that he found himself hoping, praying, that it could be more.

_Find me._

What did that mean?

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**_Ok, my car is alive!!! I have to replace the whole front bumper, that will cost a couple thousand, but it could have been a whole lot worse. I guess I should just be happy I'm alive right? _**

**_Back to the story: Sorry its short! Someone asked me to continue it so, for them, I did! I am so nice lol. BUT I know, from experience, that the whole uploading really quick will not continue. I just take a really long time to write. And I have a couple humongous finals coming up that I have to study for. _**

**_Sorry! I WILL continue it though so just be patient!_**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is my Christmas present to all! Im so sorry it took me so long to update! Finals are next week but then Im off until Jan 4. I expect to have the 4th chapter out by then. I hope this chapter is worth the wait!**

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"_All I wanted was my Ramune."_

The sound of her voice filled his ears when he thought of her. Those words were always the first to come to mind. He could hear how her voice broke on the last word. He could hear how hopeless and hollow her voice sounded.

It was so wrong.

She had said so many meaningful things to him in their short time together, so why this? For what reason would he remember this?

He had always thought her voice was like her smile. _Warm._ Could a voice be warm?

Saya's was.

That night her voice had lost all of its usual warmth. All that was left was coldness. Like death was slowly wrapping its arms around her. No matter how tightly he held on.

Her smile was gone although her lips were turned up slightly at the corners. It wasn't a smile. He didn't know what to call it.

Tears ran down from her eyes staining her porcelain skin. Her eyes, usually filled with a happiness only a child knows, were slowing turning cold like her voice.

He remembered those words because hearing them had broken his heart. Those words had told him he couldn't save her. That no matter what he did, he was going to lose this strange girl he felt so close to.

And yet he still told her to stop talking. He still held her even tighter to him, trying to keep the coldness out.

He even prayed to the man in the clouds he wasn't sure existed.

_Please not her. Not her._

None of it helped. He still lost her. And lost a part of himself too.

The first day was the hardest. He went over it again and again. He saw her eyes slowly close every time he closed his own eyes. The worst was knowing that, by meeting her, she had saved him but he didn't save her. She had given him a gift he didn't deserve.

"_All I wanted was my Ramune"_

As if on cue tears of his own slid down his face. He made no move to wipe them away. These tears were for Saya.

She deserved to be remembered.

A slight frown crossed Saya's features when she saw his tears. If he could see her she would have scolded him. He should try to be happier. There was no point in being sad. Hadn't she taught him anything?

She walked over to him and kneeled beside him. She would let it go this time since she didn't have the heart to be mad at him right now. That and the fact that since he really couldn't see her it would be like yelling at herself.

Her fingers gently played with his hair. She wondered if he knew she was there. If he knew she never left.

She had been with him like this since she had closed her eyes. One moment she had felt herself slipping from her body and the next she was out of it. She never saw her body but she could always tell. It felt so different the way she was now. It wasn't bad, just different.

Being with Train was an unconscious decision. She didn't remember ever deciding to follow Train, she just did. There had been a few blackouts but it seemed like she had never left. Where he went, she followed. She remembered laughing at train's jokes, and when he ate half his paycheck in one meal. She remembered smiling as he became closer to Sven and Eve. She was happy. He deserved friends.

But she became lonely. She had always stayed in the shadows, meeting only a few people in each city she went to, but this was different. No one could see her. No one could hear her.

One night when Train was sleeping, she was in the same position she was now. Kneeling, she had played with the tips of his hair. She wanted to talk to him again. She wanted to laugh together. Just one more time, she had prayed.

Her eyes widened as she felt herself being sucked in.

In the blink of an eye she was on top of that roof again. She looked over and she saw him.

"_Train" _

She spoke his name without ever deciding to. He slowly opened his eyes and lifted himself up. His gaze wandered over to where she stood. She saw the way his eyes widened and a smile lifted the corners of his mouth.

"_Saya"_

He sounded so happy and relieved. At that moment she was more contented than she remembered being in a long time. He was glad to see her. Her smile widened, revealing just how happy she was.

Then in the next second she was back in his room. Almost like she never left. The sudden change in scenery gave her a headache. She laid her head in her hands as her head pounded. She looked up only when she heard the rustling of sheets. She saw Train shoot up out of bed. His breathing was labored. He looked in her direction and for a second she thought he saw her. Then he laid back down in bed.

It was then that she realized that she could be seen. If she used enough energy. By increasing the energy she gave off, the people around her could see her. Somehow she knew that if she did it too often it could be dangerous. So she only went in his dreams every once in a while. Only when she got lonely.

Tonight she was lonely. She wanted nothing more than to watch the fireworks with him one more time.

But she had gotten greedy.

Since he had left Sven and Eve she had gone into his dreams almost every night. Now she was fading away. She assumed that she had used almost all the energy she had. Her whole body had turned translucent.

It was only a matter of time.

She bent down and laid her forehead against his.

"I'm sorry"

She really was. She didn't know what waited for her after she disappeared. She didn't even know if there was an after. Even though she was scared out of her mind she still knew that Train was in a worse position. He needed her.

And she liked being needed. He was the first person who truly cared about her.

She had to see him one more time. To tell him to forget about what had she said. Tell him to go back to Sven and Eve.

They would take good care of him. And maybe someday he would stop needing her.

She had no choice but to ignore how much that hurt.

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**A/N: I haven't watched Black Cat in almost three years! When I wrote this chapter I was going solely by memory. Only after did I go back and watch the episode again. I was crying so hard! I realized that I mixed a few parts up (ex: he tells her to stop talking before she says "all I wanted was my ramune") but I thought I would ruin the chapter if I changed it. Please bare with it!**

**Anyways I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: ****OMG! I feel so horrible! I said I would get chapter 4 out over a month ago. Can you forgive me? The worst part is I still don't have it done. So my incredibly lame excuse for not doing it is I moved. We never thought we were going to get the house and then it was ours. For the past month we have been moving. By the end I was ready to just throw everything away. Then once we moved in it was 2 weeks before we got Internet. If I didn't have Internet on my phone I would have died. Well I'm back now. Sorry for the really long wait and the really long excuse. I hope you enjoy this little preview of whats to come!**

Lonely…

It was the worst part. Always being lonely.

The blackouts were almost as bad.

She, who was normally fearless, was petrified by them. They came suddenly and without mercy. Her vision would start to fade. The corners turning black so fast it made her dizzy. Then her vision would be gone and for one terrifying moment she was alone in the dark. With no way out.

Then when she came to she would be in a new location without any recollection of how she got there.

She had tried to fight them. She fought hard but sometimes it just wasn't enough. Shouldn't she, of all people, know that? Her vision was fading. Slowly this time as if her blackouts were losing strength, like her. She didn't fight it. It didn't seem so scary anymore. She idly wondered where this one would take her.

She looked over at where Train was sitting. He was absorbed in the show he was watching. A small smile lifted the corners of her mouth.

"Please" she whispered. "Not too far away" The wind came in from the open window behind her, taking her breath away. And everything disappeared.

Not too far away…


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I really don't like the way this chapter came out. Enjoy?**

**Dedication: I was going to take awhile with this chapter and try to decide where I want to go from here. Then I got a email saying I had a review from Bananafrak. Bananafrak has reviewed every single chapter of this story. That's only four reviews but I still am very grateful. So as a gift I made myself sit down and write this. Bananafrak, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter.**

**o and the very beginning is a repeat from last chapter. I thought it made it flow better. Maybe not. **

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Lonely…

It was the worst part. Always being lonely.

The blackouts were almost as bad.

She, who was normally fearless, was petrified by them. They came suddenly and without mercy. Her vision would start to fade. The corners turning black so fast it made her dizzy. Then her vision would be gone and for one terrifying moment she was alone in the dark. With no way out.

Then when she came to she would be in a new location without any recollection of how she got there.

She had tried to fight them. She fought hard but sometimes it just wasn't enough. Shouldn't she, of all people, know that? Her vision was fading. Slowly this time as if her blackouts were losing strength, like her. She didn't fight it. It didn't seem so scary anymore. She idly wondered where this one would take her.

She looked over at where Train was sitting. He was absorbed in the show he was watching. A small smile lifted the corners of her mouth.

"Please" she whispered. "Not too far away" The wind came in from the open window behind her, taking her breath away. And everything disappeared.

Not too far away…

Alone.

The panic that always crept up on her was overwhelming. It made her survival instincts come alive, reminding her of her reasons to fight. Train's face would appear in her mind as she tried to fight the surrounding darkness, futile as it was. The darkness would release her when it was ready to. She had no choice but to wait.

There was no in-between. One moment it was so dark she couldn't see her hand in front of her face. Then the light would be back, blinding her as if someone had just flipped a switch. Even with the pounding headache it caused she loved that moment. It made her feel alive again.

The light came on and as usual it took her several minutes before her brain could register what she was seeing. Everything was white. When nothing began to change back to color, as it usually did, she could feel the panic bubbling up. Where was she now?

Slowly she turned around the room until shapes began to form. She breathed a sigh of relief. She realized then that everything already was white.

"What a boring place" She whispered under her breath. Who would want to live in a place with no color? As she took another look around her gaze fell upon the only object that wasn't white. It was a lamp with a pale pink shade. It was a far cry from colorful but it made her smile. Her fingers played with the shade as her gaze continued around the room.

Then her eyes lowered as she found a bed right next to the bedside table the lamp was on. How had she not noticed that before? The bed was large and took up almost the whole room. She stood right next to the bed but couldn't see who was lying in it. She could see that the white sheet billowed around an object, most likely a person by the shape. The face was uncovered but she couldn't identify any physical features. She inched closer until she was leaning over the bed.

Her features became perfectly clear to Saya as she stared down at the lifeless body. Her eyes widened as a hand immediately went to cover the surprised shriek that escaped from her lips. The woman's hair was long and laid limply at her waist. Her nose was straight, her skin a milky white. Her eyes were closed but Saya knew exactly what color they would be.

Slowly, in a trance, she backed away from the bed. Her first thought was escape until the back of her knees came in contact with a chair placed by the bed. Her knees, no longer able to hold her up, instantly unlocked and she fell back into the chair. She drew her legs up and hugged them to her chest. Burying her face in them she slowly rocked herself and sobbed until her eyes ran dry.

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**Its short but I wanted to stop the chapter here. I thought I made it obvious where she is but that could just be me. Can you guess where she is? or who's in the bed? **

**If someone names both correctly I will put up the next chapter early! **

**Reviews = Inspiration to keep writing!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Im dead. That should be the only explanation on why its taken me so long to update. Fortunatley, Im not and im back! I should have warned you guys from the beginning that I have a hard time finishing stories. Right now Im going through a Zero no Tsukaima phase so its really hard to focuse on Black Cat. But im going to try. **

**Read. Enjoy. Review **

Saya's gaze lingered on the figure lying in the hospital bed. Her eyes, rimmed red and puffy, had finally ran dry. Her own body was paralyzed, frozen into the hard uncomfortable chair. Moving wasn't an option. She stared at the woman with the long brown hair and pale milky skin.

It had to be a trick of the light. Or some big cosmic joke the world was playing on her. It wasn't possible for the woman, lying deathly still in the bed, to have that face. Something had to be wrong.

The woman's appearance kept her in that chair, long after night had fallen. Nurses in there pale pink uniforms would make their rounds coming in and going only moments later. And yet she stayed, waiting. If she waited long enough the change would come. She could not conceive that it wouldn't. The way the woman was now brought too much pain. With the pain came… hope. Hope was a selfish creature, always taking. So she had to change. Saya didn't have anything left to give.

**Train**

Train stared up at the almost translucent moon. The night was pitch black, the only light coming from the sliver of moon hung high in the sky. It was hours past the usual time he retired to bed. He never wasted a moment getting to sleep. But tonight was different.

He didn't have to fall asleep to know she wouldn't be there, waiting for him. He could feel it. He was all alone tonight.

_Goodbye Train_

Was it finally forever? There were so many things he still hadn't said. He remembered thinking, back when he was still with Eve and Sven, that if he could see her again he'd tell her everything. He hadn't said a word. He never learned. So he was alone tonight with nothing but regrets.

Regrets. Everyone had them. Everyone thought that they would change something, say something if given one more chance. But when it was given to them they couldn't recognize it. Train didn't.

He had thought that she was but an illusion. Something his mind cooked up to stave off the depression, make him happy. He had thought that as an illusion she wouldn't leave. But he was wrong. An illusion or not, she seemed as uncontrollable as when she was alive.

_A free spirit_

There were so many things he needed to tell her. But he knew exactly what he'd tell her first. He just needed one more chance…

**A/N: To say sorry Im going to be uploading chapter 7 within the next week. Its already written so i just have to fix somethings. I promise its better than this really short horrible chapter. Remember to leave a review :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Im very proud of this chapter because i think its some of my best work.**

**Warning: I suck at grammar period, but especially when it comes to dialogue. To make it easier on me I put whatever was being said in italics.**

**trainsgirl13: I told you the identity of the woman would be known in chapter 8 or 9 but because you were nice enough to leave a review I made this chapter extra long to squeeze it in.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review :)**

he sun was barely rising above the rooftops, its rays stretching across the horizon. The blues, pinks and purples blended perfectly to create a masterpiece in the sky. Train stared, but he saw none of it. He looked at it only to have something to stare at. He walked the deserted streets alone. There were a few joggers out on the trail but for the most part people were still curled up safe in their beds exactly where they should be. Where he should be. His boots splashed heavily in the small puddles that littered the cracked and uneven street.

It rained lately.

The thought held no significance, just something that ran across his mind. He wondered how saya would react to the rain. She probably loved it. He could imagine her dancing in the rain, twirling round and round, pulling her skirts tighter to her. It was more beautiful than any sunrise could hope to be. The image flickered in his mind before slowly fading away. His mind, and hands, were incapable of grasping her for long.

Then he pictured her standing in an abandoned street, staring at something he'd never be able to see. Only the picture stayed. As he walked towards her the image was solid and never flickered. He wasn't imagining it!

_Saya! _

And in the span of a second he unconsciously decided to once again chuck his sanity out the window. His illusion made him happy. Being crazy was the smallest price to pay. His slow canter broke out into a run, bringing him closer to her. The loneliness and sadness were, for the moment, forgotten. When he reached her he waited for that breath taking smile to cross her face.

It didn't come.

_Saya?_

He spoke her name again, louder, an unspoken question waiting in the depths of his eyes. She jumped as if hearing him speak for the first time. She raised her slightly dazed eyes to meet his clouded ones.

_Train _

A fraction of the smile he had been waiting for crossed her face. Relief washed over him as he sucked in a much needed dose of oxygen. Her smile, no matter how small, made his world right again.

_Train _

She spoke his name again, only it was seemed more like a question.

_What's wrong?_

She seemed to stare through him as they stood in the middle of the street. Neither of them was moving. The depths of her eyes held so much meaning that he couldn't break away. Or maybe he just didn't want to. She continued to hold his gaze as she reached up her hand to…

Her hand was a breath away from his cheek when she stopped. She seemed fascinated by the way her pale translucent skin looked beside his solid darker skin.

_There's never enough time. Will you follow me?_

She turned on her heel and left him standing there without a clue. She never even looked back to make sure he was close behind. Once regaining his composure he had to jog to catch up with her.

_Saya wait!_

When she turned around her expression was mixed with surprise and relief. Did she really think he wouldn't follow? She saw his jogging form and something seemed to flash across her face. And then that one of a kind smile finally emerged. When he reached her she looked more happy and alive than he could remember.

_Let's race Train!_

_What?_

_Come on, let's do it!_

_You would be cheating since you know where we are going and I don't._

_You're just scared that I'm going to beat you!_

Saya seemed to stretch out and he soon recognized it as her running stance.

_Ready, Set-_

_I never said-_

_GO! _

And they both took off. He didn't want to race but he never backed down from a challenge. Though Saya did have the advantage. She was able to keep her eyes on what was in front of them while his eyes were glued to her.

He couldn't help but remember the last time they had raced. A lifetime ago. This scene played out so much alike the last time that it caused an ache in his chest. He silently wished it'd never go away. Saya's head was facing the sky and she was laughing. Her happiness was so contagious it had his own smile stretching farther across his face. It was perfect

No sooner had the words formed in his mind did everything change. That wonderfully beautiful smile of hers disappeared leaving a shell behind, a haunted expression. Her feet became lead as her steps slowed. Train skidded to a stop beside her, almost losing his balance in the process. He followed her expression to the rather large building across the street from them.

Mercy Hospital

The name on the sign was unmistakable alongside a red cross, the universal symbol for hospitals. He turned back to find her still frozen in her spot.

_We're here_

The words seemed to be forced out of her mouth. Everything joyous was gone. Able to move now she made her way across the street, her gaze never wavering from the hospital sign.

What could be here?

Train had felt no desire to go to a hospital before so his memories of what one was like were vague. He followed behind her closely keeping an eye on her. Saya really had a way of worrying him. She seemed to know exactly where she was going when she walked through the lobby and straight to the elevator.

_Level 5 _

Her voice was but a whisper. He took it mean the floor and pushed the small round button. They were alone but the ride was deathly silent. When the elevator doors finally opened she wasted no time sliding past him and out into the corridor. Again he had to jog to catch up to her. He dodged out of the way of a nurse pushing a cart and a doctor carrying a needle. He couldn't repress the shiver that racked through his body.

God he hated needles!

Saya was just ahead of him heading for what seemed like the last door in the corridor. Back here the nurses and doctors were far and few in between. It was almost eerily quiet. She reached the door ahead of him and just stared at the knob.

_Saya?_

She turned to him and answered his question with her own.

_Please?_

He would do anything for her if only he knew what she wanted. Her eyes made everything confusing. The depths were contradicting as they screamed pain and relief. Did she want him to open the door or turn away? He would do anything for her.

_Please? _

Her eyes were screaming louder and yet he still didn't know what to do. Not knowing whether he was doing the right thing he reached out and turned the knob. The door made the slightest creaking noise as it was pushed open.

It led into what seemed like just an ordinary hospital room. The walls were painted a pale white. Ivory? He wasn't very good with his shades of colors. If he looked closely he could almost see a pattern craved across the walls. There was a door on the opposite wall that, he assumed, lead to a bathroom. His gaze wondered to the far wall where a lone chair stood. And then to the closet wall where a nightstand was placed. On it was a small lamp.

One word to describe the room would be pale. Everything was, from the walls to the pale pink lamp shade. Looking at the lamp lead his gaze to fall on the bed beside it. Nothing was out of the ordinary until he noticed how the sheets billowed around a figure.

Who?

He walked closer to the bed and learned over to see the persons face. It was a woman. He took in her features one at a time. Her long brown hair flowed down to her waist. Her skin was milky white. It reminded him of moonlight. Her eyes were closed but he could see that her lashes were long. Her nose was small and straight. His gaze fell down to her lips. They were small, full and…

Why were they so familiar?

He traced her cupids bow with his eyes as he tried to think. Then, in his mind's eye, he could see those exact lips stretching into the most breathtaking smile.

_Saya_


	8. Chapter 8

**I am ashamed to say how long its been since I updated last. I'll start with an apology. I am so sorry especially to the people who left such wonderful reviews. Being a senior in high school with advanced classes is not easiest thing and I was falling behind. So i decided I wouldn't upload until Christmas break. I know I should have left an authors note or something. The good news is christmas break is here and I will be uploading a lot. Before I stopped I wrote over 12 pages which translates to about 4 or 5 chapters. I hope I haven't lost anyone. Enjoy!**

**A/N: These next few chapters are all about explanations. They will be very... vague. Saya doesn't know whats going on so its kinda hard to explain something you don't know. This was intended. I hope this doesn't annoy anyone too badly. **

Her dark brown hair had grown past her shoulders to her waist. It rested at her sides, a stark contrast to the harsh white sheets. He reached out his hand and caught a strand between his fingers. Soft and smooth, it was as he had always imagined it to be. For just a second he watched as it slipped away to blend in with the million other strands. It was the only movement in the room.

His gaze hovered over her face, somewhat hoping to find some flaw. Her pale skin glowed and he was fascinated by the way her eyelashes brushed across her skin. Her lips were full and pink, resembling every fantasy he ever had. There was no flaw. She was exactly as he'd last saw her.

His gaze moved to the windows where his illusion still stood. The resemblance took his breath away. The length of hair was the only obvious difference between them. And the eyes that were staring at him with growing despair. The young woman lying in the hospital bed appeared to be sleeping, her eyes closed. But there was no doubt hers would be the same emerald green. He had the uncontrollable urge to look between, to find something that would reassure himself of the sanity he had left. All he found was yet another similarity. They were as still as states, neither showing any sign of movement. Then he realized so was he. The only movement was his eyes and they too stopped when he met her emerald gaze. Her eyes held his, pleading him not to look away. Not knowing what to say he somehow found his voice.

"How?" he croaked, his voice cracking as if from overuse.

"I don't know." She whispered. Her voice, the opposite of his, soft and smooth but somehow distant. Almost as if she was a million miles away. She moved past him and walked, almost floated, towards the hospital bed and the woman lying in it. As they both stared, unblinkingly, at the woman her words came back to haunt him.

_Find me_

The realization made it hard to breathe.

"You knew?" He turned to her, his eyes burning as he accused her.

"No, no I didn't." She searched, grasping for words that could explain everything. "I wasn't whole but I wasn't gone. I didn't know about this." Her gaze unconsciously flickered towards her shell of a body before returning to him. "I just felt that something was wrong."

He collapsed into the lone visitors chair left in the corner. His hands raked through his hair before cradling his head.

"How?" he sighed, wishing for a solution that was simple and easy. A solution that could put his world right again.

It was the same question and she could only give the same answer.

"I don't know."

**A/N: Sorry this one was so short :( the next chapter will be up no later than Wednesday and it will explain a lot. ****This chapter was more for letting everyone know I'm not dead.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I promised that I would upload this by Wednesday. So I upload less than 20 minutes until midnight. Well _I_ think that's on time :) **

**Its important to remember that Train thinks that Saya is an illusion and because of that he can touch her and hold her. Well... Enjoy!  
**

_I don't know_

She repeated it, again and again, her voice emphasizing the despair still in her eyes.

"I was in your room." She continued, hoping to find the words. "And then it came for me." She turned away from him, searching hopelessly for something that wouldn't come. Giving up, she didn't intend to speak again. If only Train was as content to let silence fall over them again.

"What came for you?" He begged her to continue, to explain how something so insane could be happening.

"The darkness." She hid her eyes from him not wanting to know what she would find. "It always comes for me." She continued now without any probing. "I'm there, and then I'm not. Everything goes away." She paused to turn to him, to lay herself open to him. "It scares me." She was ashamed of the fact as if it was a sin.

And maybe it was. When he looked at her now, Train saw a small piece of himself. The piece of him that would forever stay in his nightmares. A small, lonely child trying so hard not to be afraid.

"It takes me places. Places where I've never been before." She averted her gaze and they rested on her translucent hands. "I didn't have the strength anymore so I stopped trying. And it led me here." Simultaneously, they turned towards the sleeping form, whose only attribute to the living was the rise and fall of her chest. The beeping of the machines at her side seemed louder in the silent room. Funny, how neither noticed it before. The rhythmic beat was calm and almost soothing. It was proof that the sleeping woman had not yet left the world of the living.

"I didn't believe it at first. I wanted it so much that I couldn't believe it." The corners of her mouth turned up in silent amusement. "That doesn't make sense does it?"

That tiny smile was all it took to break apart the stone in his chest. He wanted to cry, or maybe laugh. He wanted to sing on a rooftop. But more than anything he wanted to, needed to, hold her. He moved towards with every intention of doing that. She looked at him like she had that first night. She looked like she needed him too. He was a hairs breath away when he went to wrap his arms around her. He wanted to pull her as close as was physically possible. Until no space remained.

He reached around her and pulled. His arms went right through her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Who's computer decides to go wacko on Christmas? MINE. Who's computer decides to stay on only long enough for me to log in before shutting down again? MINE. Ugh gosh I hate computer problems. I had given up on my computer a couple weeks ago but I decided to try again and it only shut down TWICE :) I wanted to upload three chapters at once because they are shamefully short but I only got to two before my computer started acting up again. My uploading schedule will depend completely on how my computer reacts. I have the next 4 chapters written. And there is only about 6 more to go so we are almost done. I will probably upload the last chapters in groups of three. If you re still reading this story, bless your heart!**

**When someone is speaking its in italics. Its easier to type faster that way.**

**Enjoy! **

She had known. From the first step she had known it would happen. Why did she let it happen? Why did she let him do it? Maybe there was no reason, no logical explanation, just feeling. The feeling she needed his arms around her, even if it wasn't possible. She had a history of wanting things she couldn't have.

His expression cut her deeper than her own sense of loss. His expression had been kind, his golden eyes shining with a new found joy. The corners of that beautiful mouth turned upward in that charm smile he would sometimes through her way. He looked like a ten year boy, innocent and sweet, at a time when the world still felt kind and perfect. Then his arms closed around her, intending to bring her closer. Only his arms met no resistance, no solid form, and pushed through her. In an instant instead of hugging her he was cradling his own arms to his chest.

When the realization hit there was no mercy. She couldn't save him from the pain that rocketed through both of them. His slanted cat like eyes grew unusually big, showcasing the secrets and feelings caged within. His lips moved, to question the reality they had to face, but nothing greater than a whooshing sound of air emerged.

He could choke on a fly. The thought came unbidden to her mind. She could imagine that it was something she would have found overly funny just a few days ago. Now she felt like crying.

_Train._

Her voice, so frail, sounded miles away. How was she supposed to do this? How was she supposed to tell him she wasn't coming back, especially with her own body lying in the hospital bed at her back? There was no time to question, barely enough to talk.

_It's time to go._

She used that line every night when the dream was ending. For good, she added trying to express the hopelessness of the situation.

_No! _

He refused to accept it like he did every night. He grabbed for her hand, but she eluded him, and his arm went through his own. He grabbed again, and again, the stubborn determination evident in the way his eyes shone. Before he could reach for her again she put needed space between. When he lunged for her she stopped him with her words.

_We don't have time. _

Again he resembled a young boy, much more innocent, but without the grand illusions of the world. He knew, and knew it well, that the world was just as corrupt and evil as any given man.

_You can't go. I won't let you!_

This was to be the hardest part, and one she wasn't sure she could do. She had to find some way of convincing him that she wasn't some illusion that his mind conjured up.

_You can't stop it. I'm not some illusion you can call up anytime you want!_

_I know that!_

But his voice held his doubts. They belied the confidence the words were supposed to evoke. He didn't know. Not at all.

_I'm a soul, Train. Or at least what's left of it._


	11. Chapter 11

She reached for his hand, but instead let her own hover over his, knowing if he tried he could almost feel her. Almost.

_I'm a soul. And that's my body. _

It sounded so unreal, like a made up children's book. She hadn't believed in anything so silly in a really long time. But it was true. She hadn't known it then but she certainly knew it now. Somewhere deep down she could still feel a glimmer of something that connected them. The body and the soul.

_That's what the blackouts were for._

She explained more for herself than Train. For so many months she had been in the dark, not knowing why she was here, what her purpose was. But now, just being in the same room as her body seemed to open the door that led to the answers. Now that she had them her words tumbled out in a haste to explain.

_They were trying to take me here. To connect me with my body._

Despite herself, her voice sounded hopeful. Hope was always the hardest thing to kill. She prayed that he hadn't heard, but he did. And he reacted to it.

_So it can still you know… go back into your body?_

She was cruel. This part of the story was unnecessary but she had told it anyways. He had pounced on the hope she had unwittingly given to him. She shook her head repeatedly, trying to dash the hope she saw both in him and in herself.

_Its too late, Train. _

She held up her hand as evidence that she was fading away. It had only moments before made a look of horror and despair cloud his eyes, now he barely glanced at it.

_Aren't all ghosts like that?_

It was unbelievable. In a matter of minutes he had come to whole heartedly believe everything she had said. And he did. She saw the trust he instilled in her shine with incredible brightness in his slanted eyes that reminded her of far away times. A time when he sat on a rooftop and fed a stray cat do much like himself.

But those times had already faded much like her own body was beginning to. They were running in circles and time was almost out. She motioned for him to sit in the visitor chair just a few feet from where he stood. She only continued after he had obeyed her silent command.

She would tell him all of it, lay it all out there for the both of them. The answers she had found in this room were not just her own. He had every right to know.

_Normally, yes. We are transparent and no one can see us. But cant you see, Train? This isn't normal. You can see me. _

She let her words have time to sink in. Fortunately, this gave her time to steady her quivering voice.

_The only energy we have is the energy we take with us. I was hurt and bleeding…_

She didn't have to see the way his body tensed or the way his eyes glazed over to know that he could see the scene just as perfectly as she could. She thought that he probably remembered it better than she did. She had died in his arms. They both knew that any energy she had when she took her last breath wasn't much.

_Usually the little energy I had would have lasted a very long time. It doesn't take much to float around unseen. But I wanted to be seen. I wanted you to see me. _

Her eyes pleaded with his. She wasn't that different from him after all. As a little girl left alone in the world, all she really wanted was someone to understand.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I am just blown away by the support this story is getting. When i got all these reviews and story alerts just hours after posting last, I ran to my computer to start the next chapter. Thank you everyone! I really hope you keep reviewing because it just makes my day!**

***Horrible Chapter Alert* This was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. **

_Why can I see you? How?_

Like his silence, his simple question made it easier to keep going.

_Increasing the energy I give off gives me back my shape. But even then people have to be willing to see me. _

There was so little left to explain, so little left to say. Just one more thing…

_There's no way to gain more energy. When it's gone, so am I._

It was harder to say, almost painful to let those words slip through her lips. Knowing something and watching it happen were as different as the sun and the moon. God, she loved the moon. Would she ever be able to see it again? The slanted blinds were closed, only allowing the slightest glow of the midday sun in. She shook her head sadly, she wouldn't last that long.

She watched him, fascinated by the way the sunlight played across his face. She was mesmerized by the contrast in the glow of his skin and the darkness of his eyes. His gaze sent shivers down her spine and a wave of fear through her stomach. As she stared at the swirling emotions colliding painfully clear in his eyes, she realized why. This was what it was like to watch hope die. Warm honey turned into the light of a flame as something indescribable broke inside of him.

_So even though your body is right there-_

He pointed to the wide hospital bed behind them without breaking his gaze.

_-there's nothing we can do!_

As a man of action, the flimsy chair had become a prison holding him in. He flung it backwards as he sprang up, hoping to be rid of the shackles that surrounded his hear just as easily.

_It's too late. There's not enough of me left. Without a full soul, the body will reject it and-_

The calm soothing voice and the already-dead look in her eyes served to fuel his anger.

_How do you know?_

His words pounced on her as his anger and despair echoed against the walls, hitting her full force.

_I don't know!_

And so she released her own devastation at him.

_I don't know how or why but I do! There's no way out of it. I'm going to die!_

Her lips quivered and there seemed to be no more reason to hold back the flood gates.

_I don't want to leave you. I don't want to die!_

Selfish. She was acting so incredibly selfish. Beyond the next few hours there would be nothing for her. Despite the fear she was almost choking on, she would feel nothing. But Train would feel everything. Knowing the fear, and the pain she held in her own heart, would only double his own. He was that kind of person. She was too far gone to cry, but her body shook with empty sobs.

_Don't cry_

His voice, softened by despair, mirrored her own. His lips moved, trying to find the words that just barely eluded him. She saw and gave him the opening that he needed.

_We should say our goodbyes now. _

_It's not a goodbye!_

_Train-_

_-It's just a thank you. _

The smile that shone through his tears surprised her.

_For all you've done for me. The night I first heard you sing will forever be the best night of my life_.

Saya struggled to find her own words to express what he meant to her, but he wasn't done.

_I never said it before so I want to say it over and over again. Thank you. Thank you. I can't begin to explain what makes you special but you are. You'll always be the reason behind everything I do. _

He could remember a time when he could months without saying more than a few words. He could never be the person that knew what to say and when to say it but he felt that he was starting to get better. Even if he wasn't doing it right, Saya deserved for him to try. And maybe after he said it all, said everything he needed to say, he would feel just a little less lonely.

_I-I_

She stood across from him with eyes reflecting moonlight and brimming with nonexistent tears. Then through some inner strength of her own, she was able to smile through her pain.

_I love you_

The words were her own, the ones she had kept hidden deep in her heart, her only secret from him. Her smile only grew when a look of pure cluelessness caused his brows to lower and his mouth to pucker. She had never expected her feelings to be returned, or her words repeated. She just needed him to know. She looked down at his hands, wanting so badly to hold them within her own. Out of habit, she reached for his hands…

A shriek tore its way from her throat, bringing pain and panic with it. There was no word, no way to describe the moment of finding that parts of you were gone. Her hands, the slender pale fingers and the slightly callused palm, were gone. The shimmering outline of her hands, that was what was left of her entire body, seemed to have been blown away by the wind. Her eyes wildly searched for Trains, who seemed to have noticed at the same time.

_Saya_

His own outcry made everything real for her. It was happening. And she was so afraid.

_You can't forget me._

The invisible wind came again, selfishly stealing more of her.

_I won't!_

_Promise me._

_I promise!_

Train's expression was wild as his gaze swept back and forth between her eyes and her disappearing body. Her arms were gone, and it seemed to be creeping up her torso.

_Goodbye Train_

Keeping her voice strong took everything she had left.

_I love you_

His cry rang in his ears as it bounced around him, echoing off walls and through the deserted hallway. It fell only on his ears as Saya was too far gone to hear it.

She was gone.

**...**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I have full blown senioritis. Also known as laziness. Two months before graduation and I can't seem to get anything done. I avoided this story because I wasn't sure where to go from here and it was adding to my stress levels. Then I remembered a time when I used to write to relieve my stress. So I sat down and wrote this not caring where it took me. Enjoy.**

The darkness surrounded her, suffocating her as it pressed in from all sides. Despair, and hopelessness hung in the air, working together to drag her further down into the unknown. They beckoned to her, promising her things she never had. Safety, security, but most importantly they promised her oblivion. Her eyes would be able to close and the bitter memories of her past would fade, leaving nothing in its wake. She listened to their chant as they called to her, unable to resist. As the urge to fight left her, giving up once and for all, her last thought was, "Never has death sounded so wonderful."

Train continued to hold her lifeless hand, cradling it to his face as broken pleas fell from his lips onto deaf ears. "Please don't leave me. Please." His words were as worthless as they were uncontrollable. His lips continued to form the words long after any more than a strangled sound could be heard. The cold, blue tinged skin of her arm was the only part of her seen, the rest hidden under the stark white sheet pulled up to cover the dead.

She had flat lined while he had been wildly searching for the woman that had once occupied the room with him. The once soothing beeping of the machines at her side had turned into a siren, demanding attention, demanding that the woman be saved. Now the machine was carefully turned off, sentencing the room to a silence worse than death.

Doctors had come, nurses following quickly in their wake, but all had come too late. When they pronounced her dead at exactly 6:32 that evening, they avoided meeting his eyes. One by one they shuffled out, some whispering their condolences.

Frozen on the sidelines, he couldn't help but follow the conservation of two older nurses as they walked down the hallway. She had been there for so long only to be found on the day she died by someone who clearly loved her dearly. Was that ironic or just plain tragic? They shook their heads silently, disappearing around the corner.

He didn't know how he had crossed that room to hold her hand, or how long ago he had done it. No one had come to try to take her from him and for that he was very grateful. How many times would he be forced to say goodbye to this woman? And when would it stop hurting?

He stared at her hand, the carefully manicured nails, and the softness of the palm. Barely any calluses, where she had once held a gun, were left. The way she was now it was easy to assume she lived a life full of pleasures, one that didn't include chasing bad guys or drinking a lonely man's milk.

There was so much about her he didn't know. He never asked about her past, or what had made a pretty girl pick up a gun. It was gruesome, that he knew for a fact. Something about kindred souls or maybe she was easy to read. But despite her past, she had shown an amazing strength that he, the legendary black cat, had never possessed. The gift for silver linings, he had joking called it one night. But it was more than that. It wasn't that she did it naturally, always immediately skimping over the bad stuff. She saw it, processed it, same as he did. But then she would process it again, forcing herself to look for something new, something that would make it easier to keep going. And she had a gift for always finding it, maybe only because she refused to stop looking for it.

He pressed his lips to the ice cold skin at the base of her fingers. He refused to be ashamed of the shivers, and the tears, that refused to stop. Instead, he allowed them to flow, letting his body help with the grief that the mind and heart both suffered. Hesitating only merely, he pulled the sheet away to lay his eyes on her beautiful face. He ran his fingers for the last time through her hair, marveling again at the softness he had only once dreamed about. Then he pressed his lips to her forehead, at the exact spot that a crinkle would show up the few times that her anger showed. He pulled away to find that she looked… happy.

Following a brief noise, he turned to see a young nurse standing awkwardly in the doorway. She had come to take her away. He glanced back only once, one final chance to memorize that wonderfully serene expression, before leaving the room.

He could only hope that even in death she had found her silver lining.

**A/N: This is not the end. Not even close. **

**And just so I wont lose any readers I'm going to let you guys in on something. I'm one of those "There will always be a happy ending" type of people. If I want to see something with a heart breaking ending I'd would go out into the real world. I hope you guys continue to support this story. Next chapter will be a big move forward plot wise. **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I wish I could peronally thank all of the people who left anomyous reviews. I'm undeserving of such wonderful comments.**

**Enjoy!**

Her memories liquefied, flowing in and out of her, staying only long enough for her to reach for them but leaving before she could grasp them. Floating freely, she uninterestedly watched as places and names flashed before her eyes, her curiosity peaking only when a pair of golden eyes could be seen. She tried to focus on the image of a cloaked figure hiding in the shadows, hoping she could make it stay longer before it floated away. She figured most would be afraid of a man in shadows, nervous of what they couldn't see or understand. She felt a mysterious bond with the stranger as if it was her hiding in the night. His eyes stared back at her, and she was surprised at what she found. An intense pain and sadness was barely contained behind the thick eyelashes. It was funny how wrong appearances could be.

An intense feeling of nostalgia came and stayed with her as the words circled in her head. The words were in some way connected to a memory, bittersweet and out of reach of her grasping hands. But did she want to remember? She tried to move, to find solid ground as the feeling of falling became more and more intense. Yes, she wanted to remember, if only to know why those golden eyes refused to leave her.

The darkness that surrounded her, both friend and foe, fought against her and then with her. It had held up its side of the bargain, providing a place where everything was surreal, and nothing mattered. It was she who could not go through with the exchange. The pain she had been through was swift and excruciating, but it was her pain, changing her in ways she couldn't let herself forget. It was the easy way out and she was so much stronger than that.

As she finally reached the ground, catching hold and hanging on, the darkness began to dissipate underneath the strength and beauty of the pure white light...

Jane Doe 146785. Two words and one insanely long number, the only thing written on the world's smallest grave stone. He had fought and pleaded for her name to be written at her final resting place but he had no proof that she was who he said she was. There were no birth certificates, or missing person reports with her name on it. He didn't expect there to be, he didn't have them either. How easy was it to be eased from society, almost as if they had never been.

Saya would stay here, in this dreadful place, without even her name. Would even he be able to make it back here through the maze of other grave sites and Jane Does? He promised himself he would, repeating her number in his head like a prayer, '146785...146785.'

The flowers, freshly picked, wilted in his tight grip. He laid them gently on the upturned ground, somewhere near the place where six feet below her heart rested. He could picture her, still and beautiful, the way he had left her in the hospital bed.

There had been no funeral, no final prayers for the decreased and their journey to the afterlife. While the gravediggers had determinedly gone to work, she had been carried out in a simple oak casket. The lid was already closed and sealed, there would be no final viewings.

She has been dumped into the hole, no matter how gently they went about it he couldn't see it any other way, and then just as quickly as the hole had been dug, she was buried. Everyone had disbursed, other graves had to be dug. Everyone but him.

He stayed crunched down to the ground, occasionally touching a wilted flower or running the cool dirt through his fingers. Then he would stand and make his way towards his car and freedom. Just as suddenly, he would stop and return to the grave of Jane Doe 146785.

The cycle would begin again.

As the sun fell far below the tops of the trees, he had no choice but to admit he didn't want to leave. He didn't want freedom. From now on, freedom only meant loneliness.

**A/N: This chapter transitions the story into the next phase. Only about 4 or 5 more chapters to go!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I wouldnt really say this is a chapter on its own.I call it inspired writing. I was surfing youtube when i came across the song Beautiful Girl by Broken Iris. I fell in love with the song immediatly. I was also lucky enough to stumble uponA New Hope by the same band. These two songs together inspired me to write something more from Train's point of view. I wasnt planning on uploading it but I thought why not? I would suggest listening to either song while reading this chapter, or check them out afterwards.**

**Italics = lyrics from the song Beautiful Girl by Broken Iris**

His sightless eyes stared at the peaceful scene beyond him, beyond the forgotten cemetery. His hand hung loosely around the tree that supported him, wanting something to hold him to a world he no longer desired.

His gun, his closest companion, lay abandoned on the grave next to the single red rose.

The cold night air blew, whispering to him. As it whispered her name, repeating his love for her, it chilled him in way the cold could not.

"Saya..." he spoke to her, his words only barely coherent. He spoke of promises he couldn't keep, and of words that had long ago lost meaning. Still, the words tumbled out in a crazed attempt to hang on to sanity as it slipped further and further away from him.

To fill the night air, he told stories from his childhood. He bared his soul to her, crying as the pain of his parents' death mixed with the much fresher, harsher pain of her loss. Leaving the tree behind, his last tether to the world, he crawled closer to her grave. He stared at the carved words until they blurred under the weight of his tears. He pictured the words that would take its place. Friend, loved one... Beautiful girl.

_I'll never forget those eyes, that beautiful smile..._

_I still remember the way you said "goodbye"_

_No matter how hard I try I can't forget about..._

_Beautiful girl_

_On top of the world _

_Don't fall down_

_Because an angel should never touch ground_

He stretched out on the cool dirt, finding comfort in occupying the same space as her, and turned his gaze towards the sky. The moon, in its simplistic beauty, mocked him as it remained seemingly unchanged since the night he'd first heard her sing. Its beauty was simply a reflection of the sun, none of it its own.

He reflected her light, through her beauty and happiness was given a second chance. And with her, that chance died. His light, his desires and hopes, his dreams... died.

His gaze still on the sky, he moved past the moon, another thing that reminded him of her, and tried to focus on the stars. Tiny points of light, a billion times smaller than the moon, and yet just as pure. As one ceased to exist, a billion more remained.

Is that the way he's supposed to look at it? Is he supposed to move on, forget about her in preference of the millions of people out there?

No, no... She was his light. There's no way to move on from that, even if he wanted too.

His hand closed around his gun, the familiarity of it causing calm and peace to spread within him. He knew the gun, knew all of the pieces and how they worked. He knew the distance it could be shot at and still succeed to hit the target. He even knew how much blood would spread, leaving the body to soak into the ground. In the resting place of the dead, no one would hear the sound.

He toyed with the idea, grateful for the release of emotions the thought granted him. As he contemplated suicide, his mind was clear. Again, he looked to the sky, bypassing the moon and the stars. He looked up and up, hoping to somehow look straight into the place where she now resided. He wanted to look straight into her eyes as he made his decision.

What he wanted more than anything was to know if she was happy, if she loved it there in the clouds. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth as his eyes closed, finally giving out under the force of his exhaustion.

"What isn't there to love?" she would say as she twirled around, her skirts flowing behind her. "I'm happy."

'And I will be too' he whispered to her as oblivion closed in on him.

'Soon'

**A/N**: **I promise to get back to the plot now! This was totally random so feel free to not like it... but I would love to hear what you think in a review :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Too lazy to edit. Expect mistakes.**

**This chapters deals with the afterlife, which means religious views come up. I hope that I don't offend anyone. I actually love to learn about religions all over the world, take a little from each, and combine them. It doesn't always represent my personal beliefs but I find it fun nonetheless. Enjoy.**

**A/N 2: Just fixed some mistakes. Thanks to a reviewer for pointing out a very obvious mistake I made :)  
**

"Daughter."

A gentle voice called out to her, waking her from dreamless sleep. Even before her eyes were fully open and her mind working, she began searching for the voice. It had sounded so close, a mere whisper in her ear. She raised her arms to aid her in her search but they also failed her. She was alone.

"I'm right here, daughter." it came from behind her this time. She turned toward the voice, eager to see the man it belonged to. Her eyes met his, the clearest of all blues, and she froze. The long haired male looked younger than her, much too young to call anyone daughter.

With a small smile he acknowledged her confusion. And with a simple wave of the hand he seemed to brush it away. "Names have no meaning here but if it should make you more comfortable, I shall call you by your current name." He stared at her as if he expected her to understand what he had just said. And so Saya stared back. He must have found her silence, or maybe it was the you're-crazy look she was giving him, funny because he threw his head back and laughed.

"I love all of my children but I must say I missed you, Saya." he paused, looking back at her unchanged expression. "You're not meant to understand, not yet." He reached out his hand to her, beaconing her closer. "Come, please."

She looked from the young man's face to his outstretched hand. Long fingers connected to a smooth callus free palm. She wanted to take it but mistrusted the feeling of peace she felt from his presence alone. Slowly, she reached for him and he met her halfway, taking her hand in his. He pulled her from her laying position until she stood toe to toe with him.

She noticed first that he was taller than she thought, towering over her by at least a foot. Second, she noticed that everything else had ceased to exist. Literally, they were standing in a world of white. Scared, she stared at the ground. The ground wasn't ground at all. Completely white, it looked as substantial as a cloud. By some miracle she wasn't already falling to her death...

Her memories snuck up on her, dragging her down. Blood, Train, hospitals, so much blood. With each flash the pain became unbearable, knocking at her skull trying to break through. And, with another wave of a hand, it was gone.

"Not yet. You will know soon enough." Taking her hand, he lead her across the clouds. She kept her eyes glued to the ground, following in his steps. She actually ran into him when he stopped.

"Are you scared?" He didn't turn so she was forced to stare at his back, noticing that his golden brown hair reached well past his waist.

"Of falling? Yes!" she spoke breathlessly, clutching his hand tighter.

"That is not what I meant but you will not fall. Are you scared of your memories, of the pain you just experienced?" He turned then, detangling himself from her. He was distancing himself, and she felt that this answer was somehow important. She also got the impression that he knew all of the answers and the questions were for her benefit only.

"No." She shook her head, emphasizing her point. "Without pain, there can be no happiness." The words were familiar, somehow important to her, although she couldn't remember ever hearing them.

"You will remember. All of it." He responded to her, although she was sure she hadn't spoken aloud. "But for right now, look down." He pointed to the pool in front of them, a dip in the perfect white atmosphere. The baby blue of the sky greeted them causing a sense of loss to spread within her.

"The sky... It looks so pure from up here." She turned towards him again, her only alley in this entirely different world. He shook his head sadly resembling a worn out parent's attitude to a disobedient child.

"Look past what you first see." He spoke to her softly, that whispering voice she awoke to not long ago. She focused on the small piece of sky losing herself within it's depths. She stared until her eyes blurred, and then she stared some more. Just when she had felt that hours had past by her and giving up seemed to be the only option, she saw it.

It began as just a flicker, something not entirely there, across the beautifully clear sky. Then forming, she picked up the shadows of two figures closely intertwined. A blonde haired beauty wrapped so closely around a black haired man that breath seemed impossible. The couple were obviously in love, having eyes only for each other. Besides the overpowering sense of love, something else called out to her. She gazed at the man wearing expensive old fashioned clothes. His hair was slicked back, and he looked much too proper for her to know him. And yet he was familiar. She knew him... She knew those slanted, golden cat eyes.

"England, 1609."

The image of the couple slowly started to fade, another taking it's place. This time the girl, much shorter, had raven hair that was sternly pulled back into a bun. The man, towering over the girl, had hair as fair as the lady's skin. They were a striking couple, complete opposites and yet complimenting each other in every way. They stood apart, some invisible force keeping them there, but the look they shared showed more love then words ever could. And the man's eyes, shimmering with passion, were slanted and golden. Cat eyes...

"France, 1695."

Again the couple faded as another image came into place. Another couple, completely different from the last except for the love that flowed between them and a pair of cat eyes.

"Italy, 1764."

Again.

"Germany, 1825."

Another one.

"Australia, 1910."

Finally a last image rippled across the sky. A handsome boy with chocolate brown hair, a trench coat, and a gun as a constant companion. A pretty girl dressed in an old fashioned kimono with her hands raised and clasped as in prayer. She heard her own voice escape from the woman's lips.

"Japan, 2004."

She stared at the man in the image, his eyes opening a door to her memories.

"Why... h-how?" She finally teared her eyes from the frozen image of bliss to look at the man who had stood by her the entire time.

"The same people, the same couple every time. I showed you his past... And yours."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:**

I am sorry to be informing everyone that I will not be continuing this story at this time. I am sure by now that most of you have figured this out. I wish that this could be different but life has not been kind to me this year. A family member very important to me passed away this year at the young age of 30. He was the first person I have lost and I am struggling with the depression aspect of it right now. The bad news concerning this story is I did happen to have this story all finished. The papers that this story was written on was in a box with all of the stories I have written since elementary school. Unfortunately, while I was moving to my new apartment this box was somehow lost. This depressed me beyond what I could put into words. My stories are very precious to me and knowing that they are gone is hard to take. Obviously I don't feel like re-writing the same thing over again. Also, as time goes on I am realizing that I don't really like where this story has gone. I have mentioned numerous times before that it took a unexpected turn. I think that later on I might rewrite it to the way I had in mind the first time. Until then the first chapter of this story will be listed as a one shot on my new fan fiction account, TheSincerestSin. SincerestSin is my xbox live account name so if you're into that... lol

I will also by posting my other story, Just One Kiss, with an added surprise. I have created an entire new ending. I hope if have seen the anime that you'll check that out too.

Thank you all for the support. I am hoping that I can use my writing as a way to heal. I will be posting a lot of one shots on my new account. I suspect I won't be writing more than I two or three shot for a while. Again, thank you and I hope to see you on my new account.

**As a present and a goodbye to this story, here is an except of what I imagined the end to be like:**

Even when his sightless eyes felt as if they would never close, sleep overtook him and finally allowed his beaten body to rest. He fell asleep to the slowly sifting shadows that fell upon the graveyard. His eyes closed and, for the first time in years, he saw his mother. She cradled him in her arms and rocked him, syncing her moments with those of the silent shadows. Her form shimmered and reappeared as another important woman. The two continued to blend until he couldn't tell one from the other. He decided it wasn't important. His head fell to rest on the woman's chest, finding the heartbeat that matched his own. He almost forgotten what it felt like to feel safe.

Underneath the large oak, Train had no coverage from the morning sun that found its way underneath his eyelids. Sighing mournfully, he left his dream behind. His cool and cynical eyes opened to land upon the figure that loomed over him. The scene brought back a memory from long ago. The two figures sat across from each other for a moment that seemed to stretch into another and another. The two sat without moving, their chests remained still. Finally, in a move that made it impossible to find out who advanced first, they came together.

"I thought I lost you."

She knew, at that moment, there were many things she couldn't explain, but her answer came from a place hidden deep in her heart. A place of complete certainty.

"I'll always find you. Always."


End file.
